There are times when a movie, a song, a painting or some other piece of art reflects life. Here's one such case from my life. You see, my reality is reflected not only in the content of this work, but also in the media.....You'll see. This is what I feel like every single day.

random weirdness

Have you ever realized something about yourself, only by comparison to someone else? I like it when that happens. I don't know why, I just do. As an added bonus the fun little realization I just had came right after another, albeit less important, one.

First I realized the type of movie viewer I am. I'm picky. That may not sound important, but let me explain. I realized I have trouble picking movies to watch because I have to be in just the right mood for the movie. This little realization was the seed for a much more fun one. I realized that I don't refer to the movies as good or bad. I don't say that any particular style of movie is better than any other, I think of it in terms of whether or not I like certain things about the movie. I claim my opinion, and not just with movies. People, places, events, and anything like that. I think of it in terms of whether or not I like them or not. This kind of thinking only really has meaning when compared to it's counterpart. Let me give you an example of this counterpart style of thought.....That movie is stupid, the person who directed it is terrible, or That place is bad, nothing good comes from that place. In this style of thinking the responsibility for the opinion is shifted from the person to the object. Note how this style of thought doesn't even take into account that other opinions could exist about the object, almost like they are plain and simple facts--ones which everyone should accept. As another little bonus, when I reflected about my past and whether or not I had always had this style of thinking I realized that I have. Even when I think back to times when I've made statements the other way, the 'that thing is terrible' way, my thought is always, 'I think that thing is terrible'.

The fun part about realizing this silly little thing about myself is that it helped me understand why I have difficulties with the people who think the other way. I don't like the fact that they think of thier opinions as facts, and when people disagree with their opinions that means those people are wrong. To be fair I think of those people as closed minded, I think of them as ignorant and apathetic. Note the "I think" rather than "those people are....or.....you are"

I know full well that this little rant will mean absolutly zilch to everyone else, and I had thought about just puting it as a diary. However; whenever I get a notification that one of my blog subscriptions has updated only to find that it is private I think of the regretful seconds I will never get back. It feels much more satisfying to open up the blog and see the words, even if I find I'm not interrested in reading them all. So, for any likeminded people I left it public.

Have you ever watched a college or high school movie? Ya know, one with overly photogenic, mature and corny students surviving against the odds to the most exciting pop music of the time. Well I've been studying very hard to such greats as 'We Want Fun' 'City of Angels' 'The Art of Losing' and others. So, right now my life reminds me of one of those movies. Corny as it sounds, I kinda like it. The motivation, the feeling of struggle, and of righteousness.

I'm not sure where any of that came from but there it is.

On a related note, if I'm going to be learning all of this information about organic chemistry I should be doing something usefull with it. Now we all know that the best use of learning is EVIL, so why am I not out destroying the world yet??? I'll tell you why. What I'm learning has no real relevance, no real use. If it did the world would have many more smoking craters that used to be where my enemies stood.

I just went outside to grab a book from my car, and I saw the most beautiful thing I may ever see. First of all I love this time of night. It is so calm and still and quiet, plus it's always a little cooler than the daytime. Anyway, as I was walking out to my car I was thinking, 'man I love living here, you can see the stars to clearly'. At that moment I looked up to see what may have been the space station, or maybe a planet, but it was big and bright. Then I started to notice other shiny lights in the sky, and something remarkable struck me. They were sparkling. I've always heard people talk about how stars twinkle and all, but I always figured that meant getting brighter or dimmer. These were twinkling through myriad colors. And while I was standing there, getting cold to my bones watching the stars twinkle I thought, 'some days I get a reminder to keep on going.'

Ending one minute at a time.

This is your life.

This is your life and it's ending.

This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time, and you never know which ones your last.

If our life is so finite why can't we choose the moments we have. Obviously it's not an ideal world that's why. But sometimes it just hurts...It hurts that we have to live through so many moments, without enjoying them. It hurts that they're the only moments we'll get, but we're glad they're gone. Isn't that a little fucked up?

I dunno

It's just a little past midnight, I have turned off all of my lights and I will be going to bed soon. Before I do, I have a few things on my mind.

Today was the day my family celebrated christmas. We had to do presents and family gathering and eating of unhealthy but tasty treats today as opposed to monday because my mom has to work on monday. This tells you something about my family. We don't celebrate christmas for "Christ" we celebrate it for us. Present at this years celebration were my brothers, Ryan and Russell, Russell's girlfriend Sara, Grandpa Waddell, my parents and my friend Carole. The food was piecemeal which was great, no stuffing of bellies, but rather random snacking on dips and nifty treats. The presents were great. Among the really spiffy presents were, hat's with LED lights in the bills, an electric razor, a bike, excersize equipment, fat hedgehogs, survival kits, rotating tie racks, and airline tickets for my father to see the cubs play with his best friend. After the presents, as per tradition, we played videogames--this year was guitar hero.
About an hour into the videogames, I was called up by my friend Jen. I missed the call because I was playing the game, but the message that she left went something like this "Hi brian I'm married, I need your help" I knew she was now married, I had missed the wedding because of the blizzard, but needless to say I was confused, but I called her and she needed help putting things into their u-hall. It made sense to me then, the newly weds are moving to oregon or some such place. So I was there from about 4 to 10 helping to load their stuff up.
durring that time I got a call from my friend anna, who I am very worried about. She said that I should help move and call her back when I was done. I got done too late though and did not get a chance to talk to her. I desperately wish I had gotten a chance to talk to her, she's in a really rough spot right now and I want nothing more than to help, and I wish I could have talked to her, maybe comforted her a bit. Anything really. Now I'm even more worried.

Well thats what was on my mind. Theres probably more, but I'm really tired now and must sleep.

Hmm, holidays. They're filled with family and friends. Love and relaxation. Or at least they're supposed to. I always feel lousy after holidays. I recal how phoney I've been, how much I've pretended to care, pretended to enjoy myself. In all honesty, I don't really like family, or people in general. Except for a rare few people, I can stand moments with others but not much more than that. I guess I'm just in a mood right now. I feel alone and guilty, but I don't know why

Like tuxedo colored sauseges.

holee shitpod mirtel.

I just started watching the march of the penguins. It is the cutest goddamn thing I have ever seen. I wish I had someone to share the obnoxious amounts of cute with.

first draft poem

There is a fist,
a fist wrapped in blood
It pounds at you and pounds at you
it hits you again and again.
It's pounding disfigures you,
it breaks you.
but you stand up in spite of it.
Then it misses, and you stagger.
Then it stops and you fall down.
Have you ever seen a human heart?
It looks like a fist wrapped in blood.

what a depressing thought

Most scientists will agree that dreams are, in fact, in color. I used to oppose this consensus, but now I am in agreement. The reason for my change in opinion is a dream I had just last night. In this dream I was doing some sort of job where I went from office to office, building to building. All of these offices reminded me of the one in the first Matrix movie. In one of these offices there was a very attractive girl with super long hair, all of it was dyed the brightest of red. She apparently had asked around about me and found my name, kindof sweet in that stalkeresque way. But what I remember most is that red hair. Just picturing it makes the other colors, which I normally remember as grey tone, stand out. I can see the blue and grey pinstripes of suit coats, the slight bit of yellow and red on some kids tie. I realize now that I do in fact dream in color.

Holy bulshit

The crazies are coming the crazies are coming. Today a group of radical anti-abortion folks came by UW campus with large, I mean really big, pictures of aborted fetuses. They were of course simple minded folk with very little in the way of formal education. It felt good to inform them on the finer points of biology, life, and the way of the world. It was also fun to see their faces when eddie and I handed out free red metal coathangers.

These people might be back tomorrow, and with them another group. This new group is a skinhead group, so you can guess what it is their angsty about. Gays, Jews, Blacks, Catholics, ya know the usual. And just the other week there was a group of folks with big signs saying "Fear God". At least those folks had funny little songs, and a big cuddly gay...formerly gay, hah...bear as their spokesperson. All these wackos, what is it a two for one special? And while I hate to make this statement for, fear of reprisal, all these groups are christian groups. Wouldn't it be great to get a big group of jewish folk adimantly protesting people eating meat and dairy together. Or a big Muslim group protesting not covering your head outside. Ya know other groups have really strong beliefs too, you don't often see them out and about campus's harrassing their student body.
Oh Well.

Well thats all for now kiddos, I must finish a quiz then it's off to bed.

Falling leaves

Today I finished work--a rewarding session--and returned home around 8, already dark. It was raining just enough that everything was shiny in my headlights, glossy, almost like the world was coated in glass. As I turned on to my street I noticed the faint hints of yellow in my nieghbor's driveway. I immediately knew what they were, they were the leaves I'd seen the day before. The first hints I noticed of fall, aside from the weather. They reminded me about the constancy of change. I'm not sure why but I always thought fall, not spring should be the season of change. I know spring symbolizes new life and fall has the harvest and celebration, but fall also symbolizes the beginning of the road to death. The realization that death is coming seems so much more appropriate than the acknowledgement of new life. But maybe thats just in my own little corner of the world..

I've been a little depressed lately. I know mopey fucking emo kid. But I've been trying to be constructive and not complain. Mostly I've been trying to think of what it is I really want, that is, what would make me happy. I've come up with a little wish list of sorts, maybe a list of goals, I'm not sure. It goes a little like this:
I want to finish craft projects, I have so many.
I want to feel needed, and not like I'm some god damn nuisance.
I want to find an "adult" companion.
I want to do well in classes--oddly this might be the only one that comes true.
I want to finally save enough for my new computer.
I want to battle!!!!!!!
I want a new tattoo and peircing.
and most of all, I want to believe the things on this list will actually help.

cynicism

Not too long ago I caught myself thinking that I was having a moment of doubt. I thought I was having doubts about how much I trusted the people around me, the people I care about. Then I thought about it a little more and realized it wasn't a recent thing, I just hadn't thought about it all that much. I realized that I would never ask anyone I know to do any of the things for me that I do for them on a regular basis. It's not because their not good people its because I've never done enough to deserve that kind of loyalty in return. Give them rides, make things for them, loan them money, help them with schoolwork, mend their wounds, give them my shoulder to cry on............its never enough though, is it. No matter what I do for people I'm just not worth their worry. If I were to move away tomorrow people would miss my help, my trinkets, my money, but the one thing they wouldn't really miss--is me.

On one hand this depresses me, on the other it appeals and assures the cynic in me. It's practical, and simple. Hmmm, I will think about this and discuss it further later.

well shit

Today I went to the surplus sale with benny p and looked at computers. I realized that it will be best if I wait to get a shiny refurbished one.

I went to the club and organization day, the math geeks brought popsicles.

I went to Dr. Burman's office and shadowed from 2-5. I saw several cavities being cleaned out and filled, along with a cap reattachment and a enamel sealant. All together with last time I have shadowed for 7 hours. Its a start. I think I will try to go in once or twice a week, since I need to get at least 80 hours of shadowing in before I apply to hygiene school.

I went to a bbq for a few minutes, but I was exhausted and had to go home and nap. The ribs were really good but i felt a little akward. Everyone was looking at me funny and I didn't even have my flesh tunnels or eyebrow rings in.

After my nap I had some din din and then watched rent while knitting. Now I'm going to stay up late and study for my classes tomorrow.

Among other things I think anna is going to have a conversation with me about how she doesn't like the way things are, since we don't really see each other very much... and when that happens I am going to agree and tell her that I don't want to stay in the relationship. This will likely happen thursday around 3. I feel really shitty about this, not because I'm going to hurt her, or because I'm not going to be in a relationship, but rather I'm feeling shitty because I cant just up and tell her that I want it to be over.

so many regrets, so little time.

So, to be fair I had more updates last month than britt, hers however were longer. So last month was a draw in my opinion.

On to the new stuff. On sept 1 I went to ausie Pete's house to see my buddy Will's band (Clone Inc) and Mr. V. It was a pretty rockin show. I was in the front the whole time, I worked crowd control making sure no drunk idiots moshed into the band.

I am beginning a phase of thought I've had before. One where I wish to be an asshole, to be free of conscience. I want to focus only on what is of advantage to me. Now that doesn't mean that I will just abandon friends or family, on the contrary. I find friends to be very advantagous to me. their company and usefulness is beyond worth. However other peoples--mostly acquaintances and those in different standing--I need to use those people with no regard for anything other than what reprocussions it could have on me.

also, squid we need to learn you some sewing skills, give me a call about that.

Hmm, I apparently double booked my monday. I wanted to go get a tattoo on monday but I forgot that I need to pick up my brother from DIA on monday, so thats what I'll be doing.
On that note, there have been a lot of little dissapointments lately. Another one is that I can't get the part time lab job I wanted, which means no new computer for a while. The most I could hope to scrap together in the next month would include the aproximately 300 I have plust the excess of student loans~200, maybe 90 dollars that I've loaned people, and whatever my latest cook paycheck, thats about 100. So all in all thats around 700, but I still have to eat, and pay for gas, and maybe another textbook. I may be able to make a little by tutoring and working weekends but I'm just not satisfied with the timeframe. I am all for taking advice on the subject.

To keep you up to date I will recount the events of note in my life. Firstly, I went and shadowed Dr. becki burman for 5 hours, and saw 5 tooth extractions. I am back in classes and that's looking to be a fun time. I may have to take on a lot of students to tutor because the semester looks to be expensive.

Well that's the old on with the new. I have once again been crafting like mad. Crochet, knitting, chainmaille, sewing. I'm loving it.

On a more serious note.

Of late I have been troubled. I have been troubled by my current relationship. When the relationship began it felt like such a privilege to be with her. Now, it feels more like a chore. I think I'm only staying in the relationship out of habit, and because I don't want to hurt the girls feelings. To be truthful I don't really feel like I'm really all that good a partner either. In earnest I think she'd be happier with someone else. It's not that there's anything really wrong with either of us or the relationship in general, but when I ask myself, "why are you in this relationship", I can honestly say that it isn't because it makes me happy.

aug 12, good day

for now I am short on time so all I will say is that today was great, more later.

lately

Lets see what's on my mind....Hmm.

First thing that pops in there is that I need to get a few things organized in my life. I have come up with a definite plan for the next couple of years but I need to do a few things to get the ball rolling.

In the short term I need to find my friend Will and organize a workout plan with him. I need to find out when we can meet and workout, where he's at physically and where he wants to get to.

I also need to find a good temp job for the next semester or two. Just something to get me by. I've decided I'll probably need to take a few classes this semester, not many but one or two. To that end I'll probably want to get some financial aid, so I have to get my fafsa re-filed.

I also need to switch advisors, to the pre-prof advisors. I'm not particularly fond of that idea since they both treat me with absolutely no respect, and I really don't trust one of them.

I'm also still in need of dentists to shadow, seems most of the good ones don't really have any room in their operatories for one extra person.

Well thats my to do list.