Holy bulshit

The crazies are coming the crazies are coming. Today a group of radical anti-abortion folks came by UW campus with large, I mean really big, pictures of aborted fetuses. They were of course simple minded folk with very little in the way of formal education. It felt good to inform them on the finer points of biology, life, and the way of the world. It was also fun to see their faces when eddie and I handed out free red metal coathangers.

These people might be back tomorrow, and with them another group. This new group is a skinhead group, so you can guess what it is their angsty about. Gays, Jews, Blacks, Catholics, ya know the usual. And just the other week there was a group of folks with big signs saying "Fear God". At least those folks had funny little songs, and a big cuddly gay...formerly gay, hah...bear as their spokesperson. All these wackos, what is it a two for one special? And while I hate to make this statement for, fear of reprisal, all these groups are christian groups. Wouldn't it be great to get a big group of jewish folk adimantly protesting people eating meat and dairy together. Or a big Muslim group protesting not covering your head outside. Ya know other groups have really strong beliefs too, you don't often see them out and about campus's harrassing their student body.
Oh Well.

Well thats all for now kiddos, I must finish a quiz then it's off to bed.

Falling leaves

Today I finished work--a rewarding session--and returned home around 8, already dark. It was raining just enough that everything was shiny in my headlights, glossy, almost like the world was coated in glass. As I turned on to my street I noticed the faint hints of yellow in my nieghbor's driveway. I immediately knew what they were, they were the leaves I'd seen the day before. The first hints I noticed of fall, aside from the weather. They reminded me about the constancy of change. I'm not sure why but I always thought fall, not spring should be the season of change. I know spring symbolizes new life and fall has the harvest and celebration, but fall also symbolizes the beginning of the road to death. The realization that death is coming seems so much more appropriate than the acknowledgement of new life. But maybe thats just in my own little corner of the world..

I've been a little depressed lately. I know mopey fucking emo kid. But I've been trying to be constructive and not complain. Mostly I've been trying to think of what it is I really want, that is, what would make me happy. I've come up with a little wish list of sorts, maybe a list of goals, I'm not sure. It goes a little like this:
I want to finish craft projects, I have so many.
I want to feel needed, and not like I'm some god damn nuisance.
I want to find an "adult" companion.
I want to do well in classes--oddly this might be the only one that comes true.
I want to finally save enough for my new computer.
I want to battle!!!!!!!
I want a new tattoo and peircing.
and most of all, I want to believe the things on this list will actually help.

cynicism

Not too long ago I caught myself thinking that I was having a moment of doubt. I thought I was having doubts about how much I trusted the people around me, the people I care about. Then I thought about it a little more and realized it wasn't a recent thing, I just hadn't thought about it all that much. I realized that I would never ask anyone I know to do any of the things for me that I do for them on a regular basis. It's not because their not good people its because I've never done enough to deserve that kind of loyalty in return. Give them rides, make things for them, loan them money, help them with schoolwork, mend their wounds, give them my shoulder to cry on............its never enough though, is it. No matter what I do for people I'm just not worth their worry. If I were to move away tomorrow people would miss my help, my trinkets, my money, but the one thing they wouldn't really miss--is me.

On one hand this depresses me, on the other it appeals and assures the cynic in me. It's practical, and simple. Hmmm, I will think about this and discuss it further later.

well shit

Today I went to the surplus sale with benny p and looked at computers. I realized that it will be best if I wait to get a shiny refurbished one.

I went to the club and organization day, the math geeks brought popsicles.

I went to Dr. Burman's office and shadowed from 2-5. I saw several cavities being cleaned out and filled, along with a cap reattachment and a enamel sealant. All together with last time I have shadowed for 7 hours. Its a start. I think I will try to go in once or twice a week, since I need to get at least 80 hours of shadowing in before I apply to hygiene school.

I went to a bbq for a few minutes, but I was exhausted and had to go home and nap. The ribs were really good but i felt a little akward. Everyone was looking at me funny and I didn't even have my flesh tunnels or eyebrow rings in.

After my nap I had some din din and then watched rent while knitting. Now I'm going to stay up late and study for my classes tomorrow.

Among other things I think anna is going to have a conversation with me about how she doesn't like the way things are, since we don't really see each other very much... and when that happens I am going to agree and tell her that I don't want to stay in the relationship. This will likely happen thursday around 3. I feel really shitty about this, not because I'm going to hurt her, or because I'm not going to be in a relationship, but rather I'm feeling shitty because I cant just up and tell her that I want it to be over.

so many regrets, so little time.

So, to be fair I had more updates last month than britt, hers however were longer. So last month was a draw in my opinion.

On to the new stuff. On sept 1 I went to ausie Pete's house to see my buddy Will's band (Clone Inc) and Mr. V. It was a pretty rockin show. I was in the front the whole time, I worked crowd control making sure no drunk idiots moshed into the band.

I am beginning a phase of thought I've had before. One where I wish to be an asshole, to be free of conscience. I want to focus only on what is of advantage to me. Now that doesn't mean that I will just abandon friends or family, on the contrary. I find friends to be very advantagous to me. their company and usefulness is beyond worth. However other peoples--mostly acquaintances and those in different standing--I need to use those people with no regard for anything other than what reprocussions it could have on me.

also, squid we need to learn you some sewing skills, give me a call about that.