cynicism

Not too long ago I caught myself thinking that I was having a moment of doubt. I thought I was having doubts about how much I trusted the people around me, the people I care about. Then I thought about it a little more and realized it wasn't a recent thing, I just hadn't thought about it all that much. I realized that I would never ask anyone I know to do any of the things for me that I do for them on a regular basis. It's not because their not good people its because I've never done enough to deserve that kind of loyalty in return. Give them rides, make things for them, loan them money, help them with schoolwork, mend their wounds, give them my shoulder to cry on............its never enough though, is it. No matter what I do for people I'm just not worth their worry. If I were to move away tomorrow people would miss my help, my trinkets, my money, but the one thing they wouldn't really miss--is me.

On one hand this depresses me, on the other it appeals and assures the cynic in me. It's practical, and simple. Hmmm, I will think about this and discuss it further later.